Humber Bridge

view on a nice walk with the boy!

Pretty green nails!

Its been a while.....

So its been a month since i last posted a blog.
Jeez its been a busy month, i genuinely cant remember the last time i managed to just sit down and relax.
Ive been busy with work and with friends as well as being poorly and putting out a fire!
Work seems hectic but maybe thats because im trying to keep on top of my marking- and boy is there a lot of it!
Ive welcomed someone into my life who has been really sweet and i like to think really good for me so lets see how it goes. Other than taking it slooooow that is!
Im still training my ass off and have even got myself an injury to match- torn muscles in my chest! And I've been moved up to high reds so my fitness is excelling too! It will be a while before i move into top spot (green) especially with my injury.

Cobby is doing well, college starts next week and there seems to be a lot going on- i feel like ive barely had time to text let alone blog or maintain/repair relationships with people.

I'm going to relax now- i've hammered the marking now and just want to sleep! I will try to blog more often but things seem to be going well at the minute even though its hectic!

:)

Today for some reason i'm very happy. Not sure why- busy day at work and a 3hr meeting after! And yet I still have a smile on my face?! Strange!

Here is a pic of my kitty Cobby modelling a bow made with leftover material from another dress I made. Doesnt she look cute!!!

Confidence

Isn't it strange how you can listen so a song and suddenly it can mean something completely different to what it used to mean?

I've been listening to Pro Green's At your inconvenience album. It has a song on there that always empowers me- D>P>M>O ( don't piss me off) which makes me feel like i can conquer anything.
It also has a song that used to mean something- Trouble. When i listened to it today I realised that maybe I was the troublesome one, not because i am a bad person but because of my past i am troubled. All I know is that in the future I'm not going to be the troubled one (not that I'm looking to date a twat either!!).

I've had some confidence boosts this weeks from people i barely know, to people I never expected it from. I've also had numerous people walk away from my life because they couldn't be the friend that I actually needed. It's sad because I've known them for years but if they don't want to treat me properly then that's there loss not mine. My family have even seemed to rally round in the most surprising way. A text from my brother who I barely speak to. One that made me cry when I first read it. It helped me realise that usually I am the one that people turn to for advise and for help. But unfortunately that also means that they aren't very good at giving advise just as much as I'm not very good at taking it!

Well as part of my moving on and making new friends, I had best go and get ready for tonight! A meal with the BMF's- will the trainer tell me off for my choice of food? ha ha!



Do you think I should try to build bridges with friends? or just walk away?

SP

Disappearing

I wish I could disappear. I feel so crappy. To the point where on sunday night i was scared that i would do something terrible. I didnt because i promised someone a long time ago that i wouldnt but I dont think thats a promise worth keeping anymore since that person isnt in my life anymore.

I feel like an awful person. I feel like im no good. I feel like there must be something really wrong with me and that ive driven people away. I cant stop thinking it. My friends have been trying to make me see otherwise but i cant see it.

If i was a better person or good enough they wouldnt have left me. Was i too loud? Was i not nice enough? Am i that awful to be around?

I asked for help. I didnt get it. Yet when they rang me at 3 in the morning feeling shit i was there for them. Am i really that awful that i deserve to feel so shit. I know its not their job to fix me but to at least be there as a friend. I guess now i know exactly where i stand and that to them i am worthless and should just disappear. I wish i could just disappear. I wish the pain would stop and to top off feeling so low my car is fucked and i cant sleep because my neighbours are awful. I give up.

Decision making time

So after a rather stressful few months I began to wonder whether living in the glamorous city of H-town was the right thing for me.
I already knew that I wouldnt ever move back to my home town ( as my adopted mummy told me today- there isnt anything here for me. I agree). My friends have all moved on and live very busy lives.

So I was very happy to go visit my adopted home town of Manchester this weekend for a friends house party. I had an ace time even if the end of the party turned out a bit crazy! But it did make me realise one thing. I didnt want to live there again. Not only has the city changed but so have the people. Not in a bad way. They have just grown up! No longer are we getting wasted and causing fights, fire and floods.

So it made me think. Can I be happy in H-town? As much as I dont have many friends or a family here anymore, can I survive here? I've been building up my own life now full of activities and things to do. A way of ensuring that i'm not home miserable each night. But is it for me? Well im not holding my breath for my life to suddenly be happier and have friends and a family again. I've kind of resigned myself to being on my own now. I'm not going to get the happy ever after I always wanted. That's my own fault. But as much as thats not going to happen I just cant be bothered moving cities again and trying to build my life up again. So I guess i'm stuck here for now.

I think i've just given up wanting to fight anymore. I'm tired of it all. Time for a nap. I'm sure I will feel better after.

SP

Being positive

Hmmm so i was wondering whether its a good idea or not to try and see the best in people. Even if you know a person has flaws (and in some case many!) surely you should try to be positive? If not you would constantly be expecting that person to let you down.
Everyone has flaws. Everyone. Even if they arent obvious at first. Is it better to tell that person how flawed they are? In the hope that they may improve? But surely if a person has spent all there life behaving the way they do then they aren't going to change.  Is it ever acceptable to try and change someone? I think not.
The reason you are drawn to someone is due to the good things they either do or the good person they are. So why is it bad to tell someone how ace they can be. You can still think that they have douchebag qualities even if you dont scream them in their face!
SP

An eventful weekend

Sooo i've had an eventful weekend. I'm not going to go into details because i'm pretty embarrassed about the way I behaved. All I will say is that me and Bernard clearly aren't ready to be pals yet as i'm still pretty angry at him.

He's an ace person, who can make me laugh at the stupid stuff he does and his cheesy face but sometimes I really want to kick his lovely ass! I've done a bit of soul searching and chilled out a lot since wanting to kick his ass, and realised that I still feel let down after everything that happened.

An inner rage came over me and typically i'm not an angry person, - I can rant and rage with the best of them but i'm not really an aggressive person, I would much rather bottle it all up or run away from it.

I'm going to speak to my therapist about the anger issue, and try and resolve it. I just want to point out that I wasnt violent before anyone gets that impression! Maybe then me and the Bernster can be pals!

I slept all day and night last night which must have meant that i needed it!

A calmer SP

Smiley happy people

So over the last few days my mum has visited and ive been in a worldwind showing her the sights of East Yorkshire! I have apparently physically exhausted her with lots of walking and activities. Better than being bored in my opinion!

Even though im tired out and have been to the end of my tether (without ripping my mums head off I may add!) I have been feeling pretty positive about stuff except the massive pile of work I still have to do. Oh well it will be worth it!

I'm looking forward to relaxing and cleaning my flat over the next few days. And breathe!

SP

Skydive success

 

So today I did my skydive.
I arrived at the airfield super early after getting diverted into a farm! I was the second person there so I was on the first tandem jump out! I was quite nervous and the briefing seemed to just fly by, although obviously I paid lots of attention, and we even had to practice positions that we had to get into whilst falling and landing.

My tandem instructor/ unfortunate soul that I was strapped to was quite funny and tried to put me at ease by telling me the parachute was full of holes, that the plane was falling to bits etc! We were the last to jump out of the plane and it felt very strange to be jumping out of a plane!

The first thing that hit me was just how cold it was! I managed to keep breathing as they said sometimes its hard to breathe and if you cant breathe scream!!!


It was an amazing experience and I was in the air longer than anyone else, (my family told me this- im not just being a drama queen!) This was because I was being taught how to turn the parachute and did quite a few spins!  It was an amazing experience and I would recommend that everyone does it at least once. Once you are out of the plane it is exhilarating falling at 120mph!


I have tried to upload a video of my landing- I even managed to land standing up but the internet is being the drama queen!

I guess my dive has taught me that I am capable of doing things by myself and that I do have the inner strength to fight on. I normally get quite anxious over things I cant control which results in me vomiting but the fact that I jumped from 15,000ft without being ill shows me how I am actually able to do things that frighten me.

I received lots of lovely messages from my friends that were filled with envy (ha yeah right!) and made me feel rather loved and special..... (pass the sick bucket!!)



A very smiley

SP

Skydive

So tomorrow is my sky dive. And i'm getting really scared. I dont like heights as it is and the thought of falling from 15,000 feet is making me feel physically sick.

I stupidly decided to read up on what it would be like and now I'm even more scared. I know that I'm doing it for charity and that I've raised over £500 but its still frightening!

Wish me luck!

SP

Relaxing

So I havent posted in a few days but things seem to be looking up.
I saw my therapist on thursday who is sure that we can work on me being more positive about myself which is ace!

Ive had a week of fitness, and ive noticed a change and feel more toned up, im sure if i wasnt eating as much crap that i would be well on the way to having abs again!!!

Ive been to the beach, done some stuff for work, read, chilled out as well as having vintage tea with a friend! Oh as well as having Barbie nails!
I went to the cinema too with Bernard which was really nice to catch up.

So now im gonna have some salmon and chill out watching rubbish tv!

SP

Tiffman can

I've currently got a song running through my head at the minute that was drunkenly created by my uni pals on a bizarre night out in Blackpool. It's called Tiffman. And its about how awesome i am. At least from the lyrics i can remember it does......

Im in a much better mood. It's like someone screamed at me and told me to stop being a sad sack. No one else can make me feel better/good thats my job.

Also i made a dress today. The pic is crappy cos my mirror is filthy! Ooops!

So im sleeping better, actually eating (tempted for mcds after training tonight though!!!) and actually wanting to do something hence making the dress! :)

SP

Fuck off

I've spent the last few days still fed up. I'm annoyed at myself for letting one thing affect how i felt so much.

Why is it that once you get something in your head it just wont seem to go away. Feelings of guilt, resentment and sadness
I'm sick to death of feeling crap. I never did anything to deserve this. I've always tried to be a nice person even to people that haven't been nice to me.
So why is it I cant just let go? Is it my need to try and make people happy? My need to make people like me?
Whatever it is I really want it to just fuck off and leave me alone. Its causing me to be physically ill, i had to go to the doctors this morning for antibiotics. I've lost 4lbs in as many days. I cant sleep and I cant eat. Just get off my back. So tomorrow I'm going to look at a new kind of therapy to try and sort this out once and for all. Im sick of this ruling my life.
An angry SP

Frustration

Im having a shitty week. I've been getting out and about and keeping myself busy, but i'm at the stage where its time to decide whether or not i should give up on fighting what could be a losing battle. Thing is I dont want to give up. I've still got lots to offer and i'm trying to believe that im a good person :/.

I want to keep fighting. I want to reach my goal. I really think it will be worth it but only time will tell. So for now a few deep breaths, bubble bath and newly painted nails will have to do.
Onwards and upwards.

SP

Birthday blues

So today is my birthday. Is that cheers and hoorays and laughter I hear? Probably not.

I went to Haworth today which has always been a favourite place for me to visit. On the way there I got lost twice, cried and tried to smash my phone. All before dinner time. My mum insisted on trying to make jokes that just weren't funny. Which made me feel so much worse :(

Then my mum wanted me to get a tarot reading. I wasnt happy about getting one as last time I had one they said nothing but negative things. That was before my suicide attempt and the ending of my relationship with Bernard.

She asked me to concentrate on an area of my life that I needed help with. At this point tears just streamed down my face. She didnt ask me to explain just to pick out some cards. The first two cards were about my life and she told me how i needed to stop being so negative about myself and that I did have lots of things to be happy about in my life. The things she said were so spot on and I just couldnt believe it. I pretty much cried for the next half an hour as the cards told of how for the last four months I had been in pain and sad but how I was coming to the end of that cycle. She said things would be a lot clearer and said that although my reading wasnt completely positive, it was no where near as bad as the one I had had in November. I had my reading taped so that I could listen to it later on too. I'm not going to share anymore because I dont think it would be fair to do that.

I'm not usually a person who just believes in things like this but I feel I had reason to have some hope for the future.

A sad, slightly older SP

Countdown is on

So only a few days left at work til the holidays begin! Yaaay! I've had a pretty good week, I managed to finish my exam papers early, and even sort my head out a bit!

I went to BMF on saturday courtesy of my groupon voucher and can honestly say it must be working because I feel like i've been beat up! I'm going to go on weds too and make the most of it and try and get more toned up! It was pretty horrid doing it but i think that is down to the heat as well as being unfit! Eep!

I also managed to catch up with an old friend at the weekend which was weird but nice. We met up with Saucy and spent the day in the park enjoying the sun.

Well things seem to be looking good at the minute, i'm happy with where i am and being on my own so lats hope the smiles continue!

SP
Xx

Another busy week

So I have still been beavering away marking exams as well as lots of meetings after work, one involving a nice 12 hour stint at work. SOUL DESTROYING!!
I feel like ive had a pretty reasonable week, I've been to see two plays, got sun burnt, been to the beach and had the occasional stress out! Oh and hit the gym at 8am on a saturday! I've signed up to BMF with a friend too but am a bit scared that they will destroy me! Ha!
I've realised i miss having Bernard in my life but quite frankly thats tough shit!!
I have also managed to work out what i think was the cause of my depression as well as what i need to do to get away from it.
As for me being sick, thats not got much better, i have literally had to run off mid post to be sick. Joy. I know im being sick because of stress so hopefully that will eventually pass :/

SP x

A busy week

So far this week i've marked 120 exam papers, made some crafty items, been sick 6 times and been to a summer fayre. Oh as well as a night out full of giggles!

So its that time of the year when I start my second job as an examiner extradonaire! you get three weeks to mark 300 exam papers! It can be quite stressful if you dont organise yourself properly! But im pretty good at being organised so its not too much of a problem.

Myself and a work colleague have decided to try and make as many of our christmas presents as we can, we have lots of ideas for the gifts and have started buying the items that we need to make them- hence the trip to a local charities summer fayre where we got some bargains! I will upload pics later on, I dont want to give people a present they have already seen!  It was a lovely day out at the fayre, only to be ruined by the looming piles of exam papers which dragged me home!

So yesterday morning I had my breakfast and was sick, but i thought nothing of it. I went out last night with some gorgeous girlies and we had lots of giggles over our apparent celeb look alike identities that we were given! I'm Cheryl Cole, not gonna complain although Im not convinced I do look like her even if its not the first time ive heard it!  I was sick again this morning even though I didnt drink that much last night- I couldnt even keep water down! I reckon my stomach is just having a hissy fit but I will be fine!!

I've got another busy week this week so probably wont update until next weekend! Im feeling happy at the minute!  :)

SP

Honesty

One of my motto's has always been that honesty is the best policy. Even if you dont agree with the premise that screaming the problem/truth in someones face is the best way to be honest with someone, I always think that you should be honest with someone, or at least as much as possible.

I understand that at times its important to not hurt anyones feelings or that a secret should be kept to protect a person, but when a person is directly involved with a situation and witholding information could lead to greater pain or stress later on then surely the kindest thing to do would be to sit down and have an honest chat with them?

At the minute I feel that there are things in my life that seem to be shrouded in mystery.

When did that person decide it was acceptable to take advantage of me fully knowing the repercussions?  Especially when I'm in the place I currently am? Did that person even realise that they had already made a decision about me and my life but then continue with there actions?

Then again maybe I'm just reading too much into every situation? Surely thats when it becomes important to be honest!

At the minute I would say that I feel ok in life but I dont feel very positive about myself. I feel like I must be a really bad person. Am I horrid? I feel like I manage to cause pain to everyone in my life and manage to drive everyone away. I feel worse than pond scum. I feel like nothing I do will make things better. I must be truly awful to drive away the people that care about me most. And that I care about most. Am i nasty person? I sure as hell feel it. I feel like I must have pure evil running through me and as much as I try to do right I cant win. Saucy and my mum keep telling me I'm not awful/nasty etc. Maybe I've just not pushed them away yet. I used to have someone in my life that believed in me and made me feel good about myself and now thats gone I feel empty. I cant get them back. Maybe I'm just getting used to being single. Whatever it is I just want to feel less hate and guilt for myself.

I have set up my just giving webpage for donations, if you would like to sponsor me in doing a 15,000ft tandem skydive please message/comment and I will send you the link

A not so sparkly princess

Sleepy sunday

Today has been a bit strange, getting woke up at silly times to sort out someones lost phone. Blah.

Have you ever had that feeling that your head is being blagged? Like you are being told something because it makes another person feel better? I'm probably doing what i normally do and just overthinking things. I'm not sure if thats actually the case or whether i just need to stop marking exam papers and have a snack and a nap!

I'm going to have a nap and relax, ignore everything else and have a nice bath, first hair wash since i had it all cut off!

SP

One week on

So it's been a week since my last post.
I couldn't feel further from the upset person I was last week.
It's like I woke up on sunday morning and bang the pain was gone. No longer do I hate myself. No longer do I feel as guilty as I did.
A weight has literally been lifted from my shoulders. I feel taller even though I'm only 5'3! My head is held high and there is no shadow in my sky. It's been a great week where even stresses at work haven't got me down, I wont be dragged down with negativity, I feel like i'm nearly back to my mouth brash northern self. It feels GREAT!!

It's made me think more and more about what made me so depressed and negative. Yes there were things that got me down, but rather than tackling the problems I hid away, I'm not going to do that anymore. 

I've started thinking that maybe the antidepressants I was taking made me so much worse. I never felt suicidal before I took them, yet I did when I took them. They certainly altered how I was feeling, my mood was set so much lower than before albeit in a stable condition.

I saw my therapist today at my mums request and because I felt down last week whilst coming off my tablets. He was confused as to why I was there, as he said I had so much energy and positivity!

Today I went to a WI meeting and met a local author who really inspired me to continue writing my blog, on a happier note!

Maybe this is just the start of the rest of my life? The part where I realise how ridiculous to have wanted to end my life. Life is never guaranteed to be happy or easy. But i'm ready for the challenge.

So on Luscious head be it for the idea- I'm going to do a tandem skydive for the charity Mind.
I will post the sponsorship link when all the details are confirmed.
Maybe I have lost my mind again and thats why I am doing it! Who knows!

SP

Self destruct

This week has been an emotional rollercoaster. There hasn't been a day this week where I haven't ended up crying either on the way home from work or in work itself.

I know that coming off my antidepressants wont have helped, but the medicine I was given to combat my allergic reations has the particular fun side effect of causing people to be depressed. Just what I need!!! Oh as well as causing my rash to get initially worse and then bruising from literally nothing so I look like I've been beat up. What more do you need to build up your self confidence.

I have had an awful time at work and my personal life seems to have nose dived into the deep end into a black abyss at the minute.

Bernard no longer wants to be in my life, and you know what that's ok. I caused him a lot of pain and sorrow and I don't think I will ever get over how much I hurt him. I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. It doesn't seem to mean anything but I am truly sorry for the way things have turned out and what I have done. I know that actions speak louder than words but at the minute my head is in such a state that all I seem to think about is the misery in my life. I cant seem to focus on the good things in my life and seem to just focus on how alone I feel.

Im in a city where I know very few people and as much as I'm trying to get out and about and meet new people, it's difficult. I've read the self help books, I've tried to pamper myself and everything else that comes along with attempting to make yourself feel better but it just doesnt seem to be working.

I just feel like things wont get better for a long time and the way I feel at the minute I will admit it. I'm just not strong enough to cope with it. I drove into work yesterday and wondered how easy would it be to just drive off a cliff and have it all over with. I realise that thinking like this is only temporary and I will overcome this but it hurts so much. More than a mental pain but a truly gut wrenching heartbreaking pain.

I feel like i've let everyone and myself down and I feel that i'm becoming more and more of a burden on my friends and family, and I hate myself for that. I wish I could just fix one problem and not have ten more appear in its place. I know I wont feel like this forever but I just want it to end or just become that bit easier.

I just wish that someone would hold me and tell me that everything will get better and I will be ok. I feel weak for admitting that but that's how I feel. I feel so messed up and seperate from who I used to be. I feel like screaming my head off in the hope that it will realise all the pain and sorrow from my life but I know it wont.


I just don't know what to do anymore.

Hopefully my next post will be much more positive and I hope I can feel even a tiny bit better.  So so much.

DSP

Allergic reaction fun

So the last two days have been a bit crazy! Last night my lower lip started swelling and my throat started to get tight. I could still breathe but was a bit wheezy and coughing badly.

I rang the new nhs helpline who were lovely and wanted to send an ambulance for me!! I didnt want them to as I thought I would be ok to drive there. As my throat got tighter whilst on the phone the lady decided I had to have an ambulance!! Two came!!! After some tests and my breathing improving they decided that if I took some antihistamines that I should be ok.

So after filling in what seemed like an endless amount of paperwork the paramedics left, not until one teased me about having no friends and the other sneezing as she was allergic to my cat.

I went to the pharmacist who said I needed to see my GP as he thought I had tonsillitus! Jeez!! When I got home I took the anti histamines and then went to sleep.

I then woke up this morning with the whole if my face swollen, my mouth, neck and throat, cheeks- you name it, it was swollen.

I took a photo and sent it to my mum who said I lookes like I had been in a car crash! So at 5am I drove to A&E. I was seen really quickly and was given some steroids to bring down the swellin and told that it would be the GP to deal with the reaction in future unless I couldnt breathe.

I managed to get an appointment with the GP who worked out that I was having a reaction to my antidepressants! He said I needed to stop taking them straight away so I'm now going cold turkey!

I expect that over the next week or so I will start having withdrawl symptoms which means headaches, sickness etc!!

What fun to look forward to!  I expect that I will feel crappy for a few days but I'm sure I will be ok after working through it!

SP

Like,want &need

I was going to post this yesterday but i fell asleep at half six on the sofa, I woke up at half 8 and ended up going to bed!

Yesterday was my first hike with a walking group, 9 miles in the Dales. I met lots of lovely people, got some fresh air and even caught a bit of sun!

There were times on the walk when it wasnt possible to chat so I had some time to think things over. I've realised that the things I used to think i needed to live a happy existence aren't actually that necessary.

Ask someone what they need in life. Im sure they will tell you about having lots of money, good job, a partner and lots of other material things.

I dont know whether i'm lucky that I already have a good job but I dont think that all those things are necessary. After all we were brought into this world with nothing and will one day leave it the same way. So on the walk I had chance to evaluate what I wanted/needed and would like to live a happy life. I'm not going to bore you with the details but I've come to realise the difference between the three as well as that in the past I have taken a lot for granted.

Now is the time where I start enjoying the little things in life. The freedoms I have because I live in a country where I can walk down the street and not have to fear for my life. A life where I am able to make decisions that will affect my life  hopefully in a more positive manner.

Over the last few weeks I have had some ups and downs. I think that by going through challenges you are forced to evaluate what is important and who you are. I've managed to get through things that I never thought I would be able to cope with, and I've come out all the better for it. There were things I thought I needed to exist. I was wrong I would only like them in my life. I could live without them. It would be nice to have and sad to lose but hey ho that's how life is!

SP

Time for a new career? purrrr!

So i've had a pretty fab week this week. Well other than losing my voice! squeak!! Other than being tired and poorly i've been pretty happy this week, and have been focusing on the future.

I've made plans for getting out there and making new friends by taking part in new activities- nothing untoward I may add!  Ha!!

And my voice is coming back! its at that sexy husky point at the minute. Anyone know how I can get a job on those chatlines?? hee hee !

keep on smiling

SP

poorly sick

What an exciting first few days back at work! so within a few hours of starting monday morning I had an allergic reaction causing my skin to feel like it needed to be scratched, coming up in lumps all over my body & my top lip swelling up to resemble a cross between pete burns and leslie ash's unfortunate looking love child! Below is a pic of the start of my lip swelling- it got a lot worse but I forgot to take a photo!

I have had a sore throat for a few days now but by Tuesday morning my voice was pretty much gone. I went into work but I think it made it worse. This morning I woke up with a voice as loud as an ants fart so didnt go into work. The doctor gave me a lovely spray which works quite well even if its awful to administer! I cant have any antibiotics as not only am I allergic to penicillin, but they would react with my antidepressants! Life just seems to be getting better and better!

The doctor also said she would refer me to the hospital for tests to see what I had a reaction to as they still dont know! Jeeez!!

so half term.....

I have had a very strange week filled with horrendous lows where I seriously considered harming myself, at one point strongly considering ending it all. I am very lucky that I have friends and family who dont mind me calling them at ridiculous times during the night. I wonder how some people cope without those support networks that im lucky enough to have. My support network has recently become a lot smaller than I would like after being told that I'm not allowed to associate with them by my ex.

I can understand why he would be mad with me but not to the extent he is.  Maybe a complete veto on communication is what we both need to get better. So I guess thats one positive to take from this horrendous situation

On the positive side I've started to widen my own social network by joining local clubs to get out and meet like minded people. I've also become more organised as well as working hard on school stuff this half term.
Also my car failed its MOT. Yaaay!

Mixed bag of emotions

This weekend has been an interesting one.

A weekend of mixed emotions if you will. I couldnt face getting out of bed on saturday even though it was a gloriuosly sunny day. My mum called me and I was upset so she said I should come home for a couple of days. She started spouting about me being ruled by the moon, and always get upset when its a full moon. So now im a werewolf too......... I took Cobby with me which resulted in numerous fights with Cookie to the point where they had to be seperated all weekend.

There were times when I was down, and times when I couldnt stop laughing ( mainly that my mum has to wear an eyepatch- she reckons singer Gabrielle, I reckon Captain Pugwash!)

I have decided to focus more on making me happy, whether thats by keeping busy or by just doing what I want to do. If other people can be selfish sometimes then why cant I?


 

End of term

So I managed to discuss an issue that upset me on Weds night with the people that had upset me. It wont change the situation but I feel better for standing up for myself. Which is good I guess.

So it was the last day of term today so off school for a week! Yay! I havent got any exciting planned but just bits and bobs and little tasks I need to complete. The rest of the week I'm going to try and visit the gym, exercise and relax.

Tomorrow would have been a special day for me and Bernard. Oh well. :(  That's not my life anymore.

SP

Roooar

I'm absolutely raging. I feel like i've been shit on from a great height. Why do people think they can get away with making you feel unappreciated and of little value? Is it really so ridiculous for people just to be honest and not underhand with you?
I'm going to attempt to sort this out or at least voice my opinion that the way things have changed has been dealt with in a sly way. I feel like i'm not an important member of the team as I certainly dont feel valued or appreciated!

Roooar

SP

Tired + no drugs = :(

A relatively early post today, I had a pretty ok day at work it was more boring than eventful- other than being told by some kids I was too skinny....

On the way home I was listening to some music when I just seemed to burst into tears. I couldnt decide if it was because of the songs I was listening to ( cheesy pop band love song) or because I was actually upset. I think it was a combination of the two and the fact I had forgotten to take my medication last night....... oops.

I had a cry and a cuddle with the cat and made some super healthy scrummy sandwiches before I went off to fashion class. I need sleep desperately. I feel exhausted which wont have helped and probably added to me crying like a lovesick puppy over a lost love because of a song. pfffft. So I've manned up, sorted my make up out and come to fashion class with a can do attitude.

SP

Happy sparkle princess

So as some of you may or may not have noticed I have changed the name of my profile from depressed sparkle princess to just sparkle princess. Im now officially as camp as christmas! Ha!
I felt it was time that my blog reflected my upbeat personality!

I have had a busy day helping Saucy pack up and sell lots of items from her house! Exciting and exhausting times.

I also have another reason to smile but i'm going to keep that to myself for now! Dont ask because I wont tell ;)

So to top off my weekend I put some effort into my nails! I used some nail tapes from Hong Kong that were super cheap, and lots of clear varnish!

Hope you had a fab weekend

SP xx

On the up

So this week has been quite busy and i'm a bit tired out, hence no recent posts!

This evening I went to see my therapist. I felt that I didnt really have much to talk about as my life seems to be getting back on track, i'm communicating with my family more, i'm building up my social life and schedule more, i'm doing well at work other than being tired out.

I feel like the dark cloud that was once permanently in my sky has shifted and gone south. I feel like I can laugh off the bad things that happen ( today at work was a prime example of me laughing something off when I could have just fallen to pieces!). I feel like I am now more able to stand up for myself and tell people when i'm not happy to do something. I feel more able to be on my own and be happy. I know that I will have ups and downs and that this is just the start of the rest of my life but i feel really positive about it.

The only part of my life that i'm not completely happy with is my relationship with Bernard. We aren't currently talking and I miss him so much. I feel like I have lost a large part of my life. I know it will take time to rebuild our relationship as friends before even considering anything else but I just hope he knows that if he needs me I am here for him. I know that things will never go back to being as they were but as Bernard says 'you never know what will happen in the future'. He is wrong. I know i'm never going to allow myself to become as depressed as I was. I'm going to continue to rebuild my life and watch out for the warning signs of me becoming ill again. I'm not going to allow people to take advantage of me. I'm going to stand up for myself.

What will be will be

DSP

Getting used to living alone

Today has been a bit weird and my head feels a bit conflicted. On one side I realise that what im doing is for the best and that by being on my own im developing who I am as a person again and establishing who I am by the activities and traits that define me. On the other hand I miss having someone to go home to that loves me and that I can cuddle up to and feel appreciated by. I know I have a cat who is excited for all about ten minutes when I get in ( on the basis that food will be provided) but its not the same as going home and feeling like a housewife or valued member of a family. I guess I will get used to it but it will just take time.

Off to cry myself to sleep in bed on my own :(

DSP

First week living alone

So i've now been living alone for a week now and its not too bad, its been quite hectic and busy and with me being quite tired I haven't really noticed that i'm alone.

I went out with luscious last night and drank properly for the first time. We seemed to mix our drinks and have quite a lot to drink. I didnt get that drunk but I did get tipsy.

We danced and met random very strange people who were on the extreme side of creepy.

I felt quite impressed with myself as I really wanted to text Bernard and say that I missed him but with a resounding thump I have realised that it isnt just me who needs the time away, Bernanrd does too. I guess I have to be more aware of what other people need as well as what I need in life. At the minute that is time, space and independence. As well as a lovely cup of tea!!

DSP

Feeling a bit shit

I dont know why but today im feeling a bit rubbish. I feel a bit low and my head seems to be a bit all over the place not knowing whats going on. Im sure that its just because im really tired but im having one of the days where you feel sorry for yourself, eat lots of crap food and crave a hug. I know im going to have ups and downs on my journey but I just feel naff

:(

DSP

First day back

So yesterday was my first day back at work. I started to get anxious on the drive in and even thought I was going to be sick! However I wasn't! Yaay!

It seemed to be a very long day which was quite tiring, lots of the kids seemed pleased to see me, even ones I didnt expect to be! I spoke to one of the older pupils whose ex girlfriend is in a similar situation to myself. To see him so upset reminded me of the problems I must have caused Bernard. I shed a few tears on the way home but was generally ok. I called Bernard to apologise for my actions but he said it wasnt necessary and that the only way I could make it up to him would be to get better, which he pointed out I was already doing.

After a brief stop at home I got changed and went to fashion class, I was getting frustrated very quickly but put this down to getting tired!

Onwards and upwards

DSP

Back to work

So on sunday night for the bank holiday I went to a few local pubs for drinks. It was the first time I had drank since my overdose and I didnt have much to drink. However I did end up tired and with a headache next morning.

My mum came over to visit and brought my fridge freezer so my flat is now complete. We went for a walk around East Park as it was really sunny. It was a bit sad as it seemed to remind me of Bernard as we used to go there a lot walking Gertrude and on our first dates.

So tomorrow im going back to work and i'm getting a bit nervous about going back. I'm sure that I will be ok but I cant be bothered with people asking about how I am etc. Tonight i'm trying to relax and get ready for tomorrow.  Will let you know how it goes tomorrow.

First full day in the flat

So today with the assistance of Saucy and Dazza I picked up all the large furniture from Bernards house. It was quite emotional saying goodbye as I didnt know when I would see him again and I gave him his key back. I was quite tearful but Bernard pointed out that I should see the positives of this- the opportunity to be truly independent and rely on myself.
Turns out I will see Bernard tomorrow as I managed to forget all my books and some step ladders to finish off the painting!

I managed to set up the bed all by myself and the freeview so I felt quite good about being able to do it for myself. I then started the mammoth task of unpacking all my stuff ( below is a pic of my nail polish draw!) , and subsequently got bored, had a nap and woke up too late to go on a planned night out! Never mind I guess its an opportunity to finish unpacking..... maybe I will leave that until tomorrow!! 

Overall on what could have been a really horrible day it turned out quite well as I did get a lot of unpacking done.

DSP

Therapy session

So today after lots of yellow paint splattering the kitchen walls I went to collect some of my belongings from Bernards. It was quite upsetting but i tried to not let it show.
I then went to see my therapist as part of my recovery. I see him twice a month as I pay for the sessions myself and not through the NHS as it was a much faster way of accessing the support I needed.
The main thing we discussed was how I had discovered that I had been inadvertedly been slowly torturing the person that I love most in the world. It was quite an upsetting session as I struggled to come to terms with how I had treated him. I soon realised that they way I was behaving was unfair and far from acceptable behaviour. I cried as I discussed how we had fallen in love and how we seemed to bring out the best in each other and how I felt he completed me. My therapist could see I was distressed and noted how hard it was for me and how hurt and upset I was that we had split. I struggled to come to terms with how I could ever make it up to Bernard as I didnt think I ever could.  He said the first step to overcoming the problem was accepting how I had behaved.  I felt better after discussing it and hopefully this is a step in the right direction.
Overall this has been a tiring day with all the painting and crying!! On the up!

DSP

moving day

So today was quite an exciting and yet daunting day, the day I move into my own chick pad! On what could have been an extremely emotional and stressful day I felt I managed to stay quite positive, if only due to the huge task of cleaning and painting the flat! I think that when I start moving the larger items in is when I might get more upset. Will just have to wait and see how things go! :)

DSP

meeow

After A&E

So after A&E I ended up being taken to stay with a friends relatives for a week in what felt like pure isolation. Don't get me wrong I rested well and ate well but to be separated from Bernard like this was pure hell. I felt like my heart had been ripped out and shredded.

It was whilst I was there that Bernard did what he thought was best and broke up with me. He said that he was making me poorly and that I wouldn't get better whilst I was around him. He said take some time and we will try to get things back on track. Instead of doing this I tried to fight against it and stop Bernard from breaking up with me. This resulted in numerous sobbing fits and me feeling lower than ever. I felt like everything I had been through and struggled through to make our relationship work was for nothing. I never took the time to realise the damage I was causing to both myself and Bernard.

My friends have been amazing and so supportive, particularily Luscious and Saucy, without them I wouldnt still be here and still be fighting this battle

I then moved back to my mums house in a city 70 miles from where Bernard was. I've been here for 7 weeks now. Every week I seemed to get riled up and call Bernard. I always ended up crying and Bernard being upset with me because I was constantly making him feel like an awful person. It always ended up the same. Me sobbing down the phone and Bernard  feeling shittier than before. All because I couldn't accept that the way I was acting and behaving was driving us further and further apart. I was angry that we couldn't be the people that we were when we first met. But we aren't those people anymore. We are miserable former shells of ourselves.

 It's now resulted in me moving into my own flat back in Bernard's city which I will do this week. We are also having to not speak to each other for at least a month. It will be hard but it will be for the best I guess. I want us both to be the happy bubbly people that we were when we first met. If we can both get better in the future I would love to be part of his life and who knows maybe start dating again.

I feel awful for constantly taking my stress and anger out on Bernard for things that he had nothing to do with and could do nothing to control.At the end of the day they were my problems to face and mine alone. I was slowly destroying the person that I loved most in the whole world. He made me happy, he made me feel loved and safe. And I repaid him by torturing him and making him feel shit and depressed.

Its only now after all this time that I've started to realise how much i have damaged Bernard through my actions and not being the supportive girlfriend or even friend that i should have been and now he cant deal with my rubbish anymore. And you know what? I don't blame him. I wouldn't want to be treated the way I have been treating him, and all the time I was letting others think he was an ass. I stuck up for him and told everyone that that wasn't the case and that this was for the best but I never admitted to the ways I was torturing him. This is my opportunity.

And now its time to realise that I need more than ever to be that better person that i used to be. When you hit rock bottom you can only work your way back up. Now its time to drag my ass kicking and screaming out of my pit of self pity and despair. I'm going to speak with my therapist and go through why I keep torturing the people I love most. I'm going to rebuild my life. I'm going to be that happy Sparkle Princess that Bernard first met. As much as I'm sure people have heard me say this before this is it. This is the moment that I realise what a BITCH I have been and that I need to change. Not for Bernard but for me. If i hadn't been the narcissistic miserable cow that I am then we wouldn't have been in this situation.

So this is part of my journey. Every few days, maybe once a week I'm going to tell my story and the journey that I'm going through. I'm going to make it. I'm going to be that awesome person I once was.

Wish me luck


DSP

first post

So I guess you want to know how I became a Depressed Sparkle Princess. I'm not going to use any real names to save the dignity of the people involved. That and I'm trying to work on being a better person for those people around me.

So a while ago I became depressed. There was a lot of conflict in my life through family rubbish, work stress and the break down of a long term relationship. I started to become my own worst enemy.

So lets start from the beginning. My parents divorced when I was 6, and my dad pretty much disappeared from my life when i was 10. He then decided to come back into my life when I was 25 and tell my that he was dying. This then caused a lot of conflict between myself and my brother. This then led to me becoming even more alienated than I already was from my somewhat dwindling family.

Then there was the bitching and fighting at work which I will admit I was part of to start with. You will be glad to know that I have renounced myself from being a bitch and have decided to stay clear from the bitching. That just made me feel shitty at work to the point where i started to isolate myself to avoid all the crap.

Then I realised that my relationship wasn't what i wanted. As much as Clive was a lovely guy and did as much as he could to make me happy he just couldn't. He didn't understand who i was or and couldn't make me happy so we split. I had given him chance after chance to work through the problems we faced but things never changed.

I had already met a guy, Bernard, that I had fallen madly for who had been through similar problems to myself. He seemed to understand me and for the first time in my life I let down my guard and stopped hiding who I was and it felt amazing. We made each other laugh and I fell madly in love with him and we were happy. I was easily the happiest I have ever been. I woke up feeling happy and that I had a purpose in life.

We ended up moving in together very quickly. At the time we were both aware that it wasn't the most ideal situation as we hadn't been dating for 3 months before we moved in together. It was convenient for both of us financially and realistically. For a while things were fantastic even though we both faced challenges due to Bernard working through an agency who provided rubbish shifts or no shifts, to me facing stress at work and increased family stress.


As I got more depressed so did Bernard, he was given full time employment at a job he hated, his beloved dog Gertrude had died and coming home to misery bum me was obviously making it worse.
However instead of confronting my problems i took it out on Bernard. A lot. Any time I was stressed at work I came home and yelled at him. I became clingy possessive and jealous which was always something I had never been. I was the sassy independent sparkly bubbly chatterbox who was loud and didn't take any crap. Then I just became a shell of myself a drone. A walking zombie.

Sometimes I wasn't even that stressed but I just seemed to create conflict all the time. I must have looked like I had gone crazy, crying all the time and shouting at stupid stuff. I was tearing Bernard apart. I was then making myself feel worse because our once happy what seemed like a fairytale relationship was breaking down.

After two months of arguing and two self harm events I tried to kill myself. I took an attempted overdose and ended up in A&E.