Mixed bag of emotions

This weekend has been an interesting one.

A weekend of mixed emotions if you will. I couldnt face getting out of bed on saturday even though it was a gloriuosly sunny day. My mum called me and I was upset so she said I should come home for a couple of days. She started spouting about me being ruled by the moon, and always get upset when its a full moon. So now im a werewolf too......... I took Cobby with me which resulted in numerous fights with Cookie to the point where they had to be seperated all weekend.

There were times when I was down, and times when I couldnt stop laughing ( mainly that my mum has to wear an eyepatch- she reckons singer Gabrielle, I reckon Captain Pugwash!)

I have decided to focus more on making me happy, whether thats by keeping busy or by just doing what I want to do. If other people can be selfish sometimes then why cant I?


 

End of term

So I managed to discuss an issue that upset me on Weds night with the people that had upset me. It wont change the situation but I feel better for standing up for myself. Which is good I guess.

So it was the last day of term today so off school for a week! Yay! I havent got any exciting planned but just bits and bobs and little tasks I need to complete. The rest of the week I'm going to try and visit the gym, exercise and relax.

Tomorrow would have been a special day for me and Bernard. Oh well. :(  That's not my life anymore.

SP

Roooar

I'm absolutely raging. I feel like i've been shit on from a great height. Why do people think they can get away with making you feel unappreciated and of little value? Is it really so ridiculous for people just to be honest and not underhand with you?
I'm going to attempt to sort this out or at least voice my opinion that the way things have changed has been dealt with in a sly way. I feel like i'm not an important member of the team as I certainly dont feel valued or appreciated!

Roooar

SP

Tired + no drugs = :(

A relatively early post today, I had a pretty ok day at work it was more boring than eventful- other than being told by some kids I was too skinny....

On the way home I was listening to some music when I just seemed to burst into tears. I couldnt decide if it was because of the songs I was listening to ( cheesy pop band love song) or because I was actually upset. I think it was a combination of the two and the fact I had forgotten to take my medication last night....... oops.

I had a cry and a cuddle with the cat and made some super healthy scrummy sandwiches before I went off to fashion class. I need sleep desperately. I feel exhausted which wont have helped and probably added to me crying like a lovesick puppy over a lost love because of a song. pfffft. So I've manned up, sorted my make up out and come to fashion class with a can do attitude.

SP

Happy sparkle princess

So as some of you may or may not have noticed I have changed the name of my profile from depressed sparkle princess to just sparkle princess. Im now officially as camp as christmas! Ha!
I felt it was time that my blog reflected my upbeat personality!

I have had a busy day helping Saucy pack up and sell lots of items from her house! Exciting and exhausting times.

I also have another reason to smile but i'm going to keep that to myself for now! Dont ask because I wont tell ;)

So to top off my weekend I put some effort into my nails! I used some nail tapes from Hong Kong that were super cheap, and lots of clear varnish!

Hope you had a fab weekend

SP xx

On the up

So this week has been quite busy and i'm a bit tired out, hence no recent posts!

This evening I went to see my therapist. I felt that I didnt really have much to talk about as my life seems to be getting back on track, i'm communicating with my family more, i'm building up my social life and schedule more, i'm doing well at work other than being tired out.

I feel like the dark cloud that was once permanently in my sky has shifted and gone south. I feel like I can laugh off the bad things that happen ( today at work was a prime example of me laughing something off when I could have just fallen to pieces!). I feel like I am now more able to stand up for myself and tell people when i'm not happy to do something. I feel more able to be on my own and be happy. I know that I will have ups and downs and that this is just the start of the rest of my life but i feel really positive about it.

The only part of my life that i'm not completely happy with is my relationship with Bernard. We aren't currently talking and I miss him so much. I feel like I have lost a large part of my life. I know it will take time to rebuild our relationship as friends before even considering anything else but I just hope he knows that if he needs me I am here for him. I know that things will never go back to being as they were but as Bernard says 'you never know what will happen in the future'. He is wrong. I know i'm never going to allow myself to become as depressed as I was. I'm going to continue to rebuild my life and watch out for the warning signs of me becoming ill again. I'm not going to allow people to take advantage of me. I'm going to stand up for myself.

What will be will be

DSP

Getting used to living alone

Today has been a bit weird and my head feels a bit conflicted. On one side I realise that what im doing is for the best and that by being on my own im developing who I am as a person again and establishing who I am by the activities and traits that define me. On the other hand I miss having someone to go home to that loves me and that I can cuddle up to and feel appreciated by. I know I have a cat who is excited for all about ten minutes when I get in ( on the basis that food will be provided) but its not the same as going home and feeling like a housewife or valued member of a family. I guess I will get used to it but it will just take time.

Off to cry myself to sleep in bed on my own :(

DSP

First week living alone

So i've now been living alone for a week now and its not too bad, its been quite hectic and busy and with me being quite tired I haven't really noticed that i'm alone.

I went out with luscious last night and drank properly for the first time. We seemed to mix our drinks and have quite a lot to drink. I didnt get that drunk but I did get tipsy.

We danced and met random very strange people who were on the extreme side of creepy.

I felt quite impressed with myself as I really wanted to text Bernard and say that I missed him but with a resounding thump I have realised that it isnt just me who needs the time away, Bernanrd does too. I guess I have to be more aware of what other people need as well as what I need in life. At the minute that is time, space and independence. As well as a lovely cup of tea!!

DSP

Feeling a bit shit

I dont know why but today im feeling a bit rubbish. I feel a bit low and my head seems to be a bit all over the place not knowing whats going on. Im sure that its just because im really tired but im having one of the days where you feel sorry for yourself, eat lots of crap food and crave a hug. I know im going to have ups and downs on my journey but I just feel naff

:(

DSP

First day back

So yesterday was my first day back at work. I started to get anxious on the drive in and even thought I was going to be sick! However I wasn't! Yaay!

It seemed to be a very long day which was quite tiring, lots of the kids seemed pleased to see me, even ones I didnt expect to be! I spoke to one of the older pupils whose ex girlfriend is in a similar situation to myself. To see him so upset reminded me of the problems I must have caused Bernard. I shed a few tears on the way home but was generally ok. I called Bernard to apologise for my actions but he said it wasnt necessary and that the only way I could make it up to him would be to get better, which he pointed out I was already doing.

After a brief stop at home I got changed and went to fashion class, I was getting frustrated very quickly but put this down to getting tired!

Onwards and upwards

DSP

Back to work

So on sunday night for the bank holiday I went to a few local pubs for drinks. It was the first time I had drank since my overdose and I didnt have much to drink. However I did end up tired and with a headache next morning.

My mum came over to visit and brought my fridge freezer so my flat is now complete. We went for a walk around East Park as it was really sunny. It was a bit sad as it seemed to remind me of Bernard as we used to go there a lot walking Gertrude and on our first dates.

So tomorrow im going back to work and i'm getting a bit nervous about going back. I'm sure that I will be ok but I cant be bothered with people asking about how I am etc. Tonight i'm trying to relax and get ready for tomorrow.  Will let you know how it goes tomorrow.

First full day in the flat

So today with the assistance of Saucy and Dazza I picked up all the large furniture from Bernards house. It was quite emotional saying goodbye as I didnt know when I would see him again and I gave him his key back. I was quite tearful but Bernard pointed out that I should see the positives of this- the opportunity to be truly independent and rely on myself.
Turns out I will see Bernard tomorrow as I managed to forget all my books and some step ladders to finish off the painting!

I managed to set up the bed all by myself and the freeview so I felt quite good about being able to do it for myself. I then started the mammoth task of unpacking all my stuff ( below is a pic of my nail polish draw!) , and subsequently got bored, had a nap and woke up too late to go on a planned night out! Never mind I guess its an opportunity to finish unpacking..... maybe I will leave that until tomorrow!! 

Overall on what could have been a really horrible day it turned out quite well as I did get a lot of unpacking done.

DSP

Therapy session

So today after lots of yellow paint splattering the kitchen walls I went to collect some of my belongings from Bernards. It was quite upsetting but i tried to not let it show.
I then went to see my therapist as part of my recovery. I see him twice a month as I pay for the sessions myself and not through the NHS as it was a much faster way of accessing the support I needed.
The main thing we discussed was how I had discovered that I had been inadvertedly been slowly torturing the person that I love most in the world. It was quite an upsetting session as I struggled to come to terms with how I had treated him. I soon realised that they way I was behaving was unfair and far from acceptable behaviour. I cried as I discussed how we had fallen in love and how we seemed to bring out the best in each other and how I felt he completed me. My therapist could see I was distressed and noted how hard it was for me and how hurt and upset I was that we had split. I struggled to come to terms with how I could ever make it up to Bernard as I didnt think I ever could.  He said the first step to overcoming the problem was accepting how I had behaved.  I felt better after discussing it and hopefully this is a step in the right direction.
Overall this has been a tiring day with all the painting and crying!! On the up!

DSP

moving day

So today was quite an exciting and yet daunting day, the day I move into my own chick pad! On what could have been an extremely emotional and stressful day I felt I managed to stay quite positive, if only due to the huge task of cleaning and painting the flat! I think that when I start moving the larger items in is when I might get more upset. Will just have to wait and see how things go! :)

DSP