Humber Bridge

view on a nice walk with the boy!

Pretty green nails!

Its been a while.....

So its been a month since i last posted a blog.
Jeez its been a busy month, i genuinely cant remember the last time i managed to just sit down and relax.
Ive been busy with work and with friends as well as being poorly and putting out a fire!
Work seems hectic but maybe thats because im trying to keep on top of my marking- and boy is there a lot of it!
Ive welcomed someone into my life who has been really sweet and i like to think really good for me so lets see how it goes. Other than taking it slooooow that is!
Im still training my ass off and have even got myself an injury to match- torn muscles in my chest! And I've been moved up to high reds so my fitness is excelling too! It will be a while before i move into top spot (green) especially with my injury.

Cobby is doing well, college starts next week and there seems to be a lot going on- i feel like ive barely had time to text let alone blog or maintain/repair relationships with people.

I'm going to relax now- i've hammered the marking now and just want to sleep! I will try to blog more often but things seem to be going well at the minute even though its hectic!

:)

Today for some reason i'm very happy. Not sure why- busy day at work and a 3hr meeting after! And yet I still have a smile on my face?! Strange!

Here is a pic of my kitty Cobby modelling a bow made with leftover material from another dress I made. Doesnt she look cute!!!

Confidence

Isn't it strange how you can listen so a song and suddenly it can mean something completely different to what it used to mean?

I've been listening to Pro Green's At your inconvenience album. It has a song on there that always empowers me- D>P>M>O ( don't piss me off) which makes me feel like i can conquer anything.
It also has a song that used to mean something- Trouble. When i listened to it today I realised that maybe I was the troublesome one, not because i am a bad person but because of my past i am troubled. All I know is that in the future I'm not going to be the troubled one (not that I'm looking to date a twat either!!).

I've had some confidence boosts this weeks from people i barely know, to people I never expected it from. I've also had numerous people walk away from my life because they couldn't be the friend that I actually needed. It's sad because I've known them for years but if they don't want to treat me properly then that's there loss not mine. My family have even seemed to rally round in the most surprising way. A text from my brother who I barely speak to. One that made me cry when I first read it. It helped me realise that usually I am the one that people turn to for advise and for help. But unfortunately that also means that they aren't very good at giving advise just as much as I'm not very good at taking it!

Well as part of my moving on and making new friends, I had best go and get ready for tonight! A meal with the BMF's- will the trainer tell me off for my choice of food? ha ha!



Do you think I should try to build bridges with friends? or just walk away?

SP

Disappearing

I wish I could disappear. I feel so crappy. To the point where on sunday night i was scared that i would do something terrible. I didnt because i promised someone a long time ago that i wouldnt but I dont think thats a promise worth keeping anymore since that person isnt in my life anymore.

I feel like an awful person. I feel like im no good. I feel like there must be something really wrong with me and that ive driven people away. I cant stop thinking it. My friends have been trying to make me see otherwise but i cant see it.

If i was a better person or good enough they wouldnt have left me. Was i too loud? Was i not nice enough? Am i that awful to be around?

I asked for help. I didnt get it. Yet when they rang me at 3 in the morning feeling shit i was there for them. Am i really that awful that i deserve to feel so shit. I know its not their job to fix me but to at least be there as a friend. I guess now i know exactly where i stand and that to them i am worthless and should just disappear. I wish i could just disappear. I wish the pain would stop and to top off feeling so low my car is fucked and i cant sleep because my neighbours are awful. I give up.

Decision making time

So after a rather stressful few months I began to wonder whether living in the glamorous city of H-town was the right thing for me.
I already knew that I wouldnt ever move back to my home town ( as my adopted mummy told me today- there isnt anything here for me. I agree). My friends have all moved on and live very busy lives.

So I was very happy to go visit my adopted home town of Manchester this weekend for a friends house party. I had an ace time even if the end of the party turned out a bit crazy! But it did make me realise one thing. I didnt want to live there again. Not only has the city changed but so have the people. Not in a bad way. They have just grown up! No longer are we getting wasted and causing fights, fire and floods.

So it made me think. Can I be happy in H-town? As much as I dont have many friends or a family here anymore, can I survive here? I've been building up my own life now full of activities and things to do. A way of ensuring that i'm not home miserable each night. But is it for me? Well im not holding my breath for my life to suddenly be happier and have friends and a family again. I've kind of resigned myself to being on my own now. I'm not going to get the happy ever after I always wanted. That's my own fault. But as much as thats not going to happen I just cant be bothered moving cities again and trying to build my life up again. So I guess i'm stuck here for now.

I think i've just given up wanting to fight anymore. I'm tired of it all. Time for a nap. I'm sure I will feel better after.

SP