Disappearing

I wish I could disappear. I feel so crappy. To the point where on sunday night i was scared that i would do something terrible. I didnt because i promised someone a long time ago that i wouldnt but I dont think thats a promise worth keeping anymore since that person isnt in my life anymore.

I feel like an awful person. I feel like im no good. I feel like there must be something really wrong with me and that ive driven people away. I cant stop thinking it. My friends have been trying to make me see otherwise but i cant see it.

If i was a better person or good enough they wouldnt have left me. Was i too loud? Was i not nice enough? Am i that awful to be around?

I asked for help. I didnt get it. Yet when they rang me at 3 in the morning feeling shit i was there for them. Am i really that awful that i deserve to feel so shit. I know its not their job to fix me but to at least be there as a friend. I guess now i know exactly where i stand and that to them i am worthless and should just disappear. I wish i could just disappear. I wish the pain would stop and to top off feeling so low my car is fucked and i cant sleep because my neighbours are awful. I give up.