Confidence

Isn't it strange how you can listen so a song and suddenly it can mean something completely different to what it used to mean?

I've been listening to Pro Green's At your inconvenience album. It has a song on there that always empowers me- D>P>M>O ( don't piss me off) which makes me feel like i can conquer anything.
It also has a song that used to mean something- Trouble. When i listened to it today I realised that maybe I was the troublesome one, not because i am a bad person but because of my past i am troubled. All I know is that in the future I'm not going to be the troubled one (not that I'm looking to date a twat either!!).

I've had some confidence boosts this weeks from people i barely know, to people I never expected it from. I've also had numerous people walk away from my life because they couldn't be the friend that I actually needed. It's sad because I've known them for years but if they don't want to treat me properly then that's there loss not mine. My family have even seemed to rally round in the most surprising way. A text from my brother who I barely speak to. One that made me cry when I first read it. It helped me realise that usually I am the one that people turn to for advise and for help. But unfortunately that also means that they aren't very good at giving advise just as much as I'm not very good at taking it!

Well as part of my moving on and making new friends, I had best go and get ready for tonight! A meal with the BMF's- will the trainer tell me off for my choice of food? ha ha!



Do you think I should try to build bridges with friends? or just walk away?

SP

Disappearing

I wish I could disappear. I feel so crappy. To the point where on sunday night i was scared that i would do something terrible. I didnt because i promised someone a long time ago that i wouldnt but I dont think thats a promise worth keeping anymore since that person isnt in my life anymore.

I feel like an awful person. I feel like im no good. I feel like there must be something really wrong with me and that ive driven people away. I cant stop thinking it. My friends have been trying to make me see otherwise but i cant see it.

If i was a better person or good enough they wouldnt have left me. Was i too loud? Was i not nice enough? Am i that awful to be around?

I asked for help. I didnt get it. Yet when they rang me at 3 in the morning feeling shit i was there for them. Am i really that awful that i deserve to feel so shit. I know its not their job to fix me but to at least be there as a friend. I guess now i know exactly where i stand and that to them i am worthless and should just disappear. I wish i could just disappear. I wish the pain would stop and to top off feeling so low my car is fucked and i cant sleep because my neighbours are awful. I give up.

Decision making time

So after a rather stressful few months I began to wonder whether living in the glamorous city of H-town was the right thing for me.
I already knew that I wouldnt ever move back to my home town ( as my adopted mummy told me today- there isnt anything here for me. I agree). My friends have all moved on and live very busy lives.

So I was very happy to go visit my adopted home town of Manchester this weekend for a friends house party. I had an ace time even if the end of the party turned out a bit crazy! But it did make me realise one thing. I didnt want to live there again. Not only has the city changed but so have the people. Not in a bad way. They have just grown up! No longer are we getting wasted and causing fights, fire and floods.

So it made me think. Can I be happy in H-town? As much as I dont have many friends or a family here anymore, can I survive here? I've been building up my own life now full of activities and things to do. A way of ensuring that i'm not home miserable each night. But is it for me? Well im not holding my breath for my life to suddenly be happier and have friends and a family again. I've kind of resigned myself to being on my own now. I'm not going to get the happy ever after I always wanted. That's my own fault. But as much as thats not going to happen I just cant be bothered moving cities again and trying to build my life up again. So I guess i'm stuck here for now.

I think i've just given up wanting to fight anymore. I'm tired of it all. Time for a nap. I'm sure I will feel better after.

SP

Being positive

Hmmm so i was wondering whether its a good idea or not to try and see the best in people. Even if you know a person has flaws (and in some case many!) surely you should try to be positive? If not you would constantly be expecting that person to let you down.
Everyone has flaws. Everyone. Even if they arent obvious at first. Is it better to tell that person how flawed they are? In the hope that they may improve? But surely if a person has spent all there life behaving the way they do then they aren't going to change.  Is it ever acceptable to try and change someone? I think not.
The reason you are drawn to someone is due to the good things they either do or the good person they are. So why is it bad to tell someone how ace they can be. You can still think that they have douchebag qualities even if you dont scream them in their face!
SP

An eventful weekend

Sooo i've had an eventful weekend. I'm not going to go into details because i'm pretty embarrassed about the way I behaved. All I will say is that me and Bernard clearly aren't ready to be pals yet as i'm still pretty angry at him.

He's an ace person, who can make me laugh at the stupid stuff he does and his cheesy face but sometimes I really want to kick his lovely ass! I've done a bit of soul searching and chilled out a lot since wanting to kick his ass, and realised that I still feel let down after everything that happened.

An inner rage came over me and typically i'm not an angry person, - I can rant and rage with the best of them but i'm not really an aggressive person, I would much rather bottle it all up or run away from it.

I'm going to speak to my therapist about the anger issue, and try and resolve it. I just want to point out that I wasnt violent before anyone gets that impression! Maybe then me and the Bernster can be pals!

I slept all day and night last night which must have meant that i needed it!

A calmer SP

Smiley happy people

So over the last few days my mum has visited and ive been in a worldwind showing her the sights of East Yorkshire! I have apparently physically exhausted her with lots of walking and activities. Better than being bored in my opinion!

Even though im tired out and have been to the end of my tether (without ripping my mums head off I may add!) I have been feeling pretty positive about stuff except the massive pile of work I still have to do. Oh well it will be worth it!

I'm looking forward to relaxing and cleaning my flat over the next few days. And breathe!

SP

Skydive success

 

So today I did my skydive.
I arrived at the airfield super early after getting diverted into a farm! I was the second person there so I was on the first tandem jump out! I was quite nervous and the briefing seemed to just fly by, although obviously I paid lots of attention, and we even had to practice positions that we had to get into whilst falling and landing.

My tandem instructor/ unfortunate soul that I was strapped to was quite funny and tried to put me at ease by telling me the parachute was full of holes, that the plane was falling to bits etc! We were the last to jump out of the plane and it felt very strange to be jumping out of a plane!

The first thing that hit me was just how cold it was! I managed to keep breathing as they said sometimes its hard to breathe and if you cant breathe scream!!!


It was an amazing experience and I was in the air longer than anyone else, (my family told me this- im not just being a drama queen!) This was because I was being taught how to turn the parachute and did quite a few spins!  It was an amazing experience and I would recommend that everyone does it at least once. Once you are out of the plane it is exhilarating falling at 120mph!


I have tried to upload a video of my landing- I even managed to land standing up but the internet is being the drama queen!

I guess my dive has taught me that I am capable of doing things by myself and that I do have the inner strength to fight on. I normally get quite anxious over things I cant control which results in me vomiting but the fact that I jumped from 15,000ft without being ill shows me how I am actually able to do things that frighten me.

I received lots of lovely messages from my friends that were filled with envy (ha yeah right!) and made me feel rather loved and special..... (pass the sick bucket!!)



A very smiley

SP

Skydive

So tomorrow is my sky dive. And i'm getting really scared. I dont like heights as it is and the thought of falling from 15,000 feet is making me feel physically sick.

I stupidly decided to read up on what it would be like and now I'm even more scared. I know that I'm doing it for charity and that I've raised over £500 but its still frightening!

Wish me luck!

SP

Relaxing

So I havent posted in a few days but things seem to be looking up.
I saw my therapist on thursday who is sure that we can work on me being more positive about myself which is ace!

Ive had a week of fitness, and ive noticed a change and feel more toned up, im sure if i wasnt eating as much crap that i would be well on the way to having abs again!!!

Ive been to the beach, done some stuff for work, read, chilled out as well as having vintage tea with a friend! Oh as well as having Barbie nails!
I went to the cinema too with Bernard which was really nice to catch up.

So now im gonna have some salmon and chill out watching rubbish tv!

SP