Self destruct

This week has been an emotional rollercoaster. There hasn't been a day this week where I haven't ended up crying either on the way home from work or in work itself.

I know that coming off my antidepressants wont have helped, but the medicine I was given to combat my allergic reations has the particular fun side effect of causing people to be depressed. Just what I need!!! Oh as well as causing my rash to get initially worse and then bruising from literally nothing so I look like I've been beat up. What more do you need to build up your self confidence.

I have had an awful time at work and my personal life seems to have nose dived into the deep end into a black abyss at the minute.

Bernard no longer wants to be in my life, and you know what that's ok. I caused him a lot of pain and sorrow and I don't think I will ever get over how much I hurt him. I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. It doesn't seem to mean anything but I am truly sorry for the way things have turned out and what I have done. I know that actions speak louder than words but at the minute my head is in such a state that all I seem to think about is the misery in my life. I cant seem to focus on the good things in my life and seem to just focus on how alone I feel.

Im in a city where I know very few people and as much as I'm trying to get out and about and meet new people, it's difficult. I've read the self help books, I've tried to pamper myself and everything else that comes along with attempting to make yourself feel better but it just doesnt seem to be working.

I just feel like things wont get better for a long time and the way I feel at the minute I will admit it. I'm just not strong enough to cope with it. I drove into work yesterday and wondered how easy would it be to just drive off a cliff and have it all over with. I realise that thinking like this is only temporary and I will overcome this but it hurts so much. More than a mental pain but a truly gut wrenching heartbreaking pain.

I feel like i've let everyone and myself down and I feel that i'm becoming more and more of a burden on my friends and family, and I hate myself for that. I wish I could just fix one problem and not have ten more appear in its place. I know I wont feel like this forever but I just want it to end or just become that bit easier.

I just wish that someone would hold me and tell me that everything will get better and I will be ok. I feel weak for admitting that but that's how I feel. I feel so messed up and seperate from who I used to be. I feel like screaming my head off in the hope that it will realise all the pain and sorrow from my life but I know it wont.


I just don't know what to do anymore.

Hopefully my next post will be much more positive and I hope I can feel even a tiny bit better.  So so much.

DSP