After A&E

So after A&E I ended up being taken to stay with a friends relatives for a week in what felt like pure isolation. Don't get me wrong I rested well and ate well but to be separated from Bernard like this was pure hell. I felt like my heart had been ripped out and shredded.

It was whilst I was there that Bernard did what he thought was best and broke up with me. He said that he was making me poorly and that I wouldn't get better whilst I was around him. He said take some time and we will try to get things back on track. Instead of doing this I tried to fight against it and stop Bernard from breaking up with me. This resulted in numerous sobbing fits and me feeling lower than ever. I felt like everything I had been through and struggled through to make our relationship work was for nothing. I never took the time to realise the damage I was causing to both myself and Bernard.

My friends have been amazing and so supportive, particularily Luscious and Saucy, without them I wouldnt still be here and still be fighting this battle

I then moved back to my mums house in a city 70 miles from where Bernard was. I've been here for 7 weeks now. Every week I seemed to get riled up and call Bernard. I always ended up crying and Bernard being upset with me because I was constantly making him feel like an awful person. It always ended up the same. Me sobbing down the phone and Bernard  feeling shittier than before. All because I couldn't accept that the way I was acting and behaving was driving us further and further apart. I was angry that we couldn't be the people that we were when we first met. But we aren't those people anymore. We are miserable former shells of ourselves.

 It's now resulted in me moving into my own flat back in Bernard's city which I will do this week. We are also having to not speak to each other for at least a month. It will be hard but it will be for the best I guess. I want us both to be the happy bubbly people that we were when we first met. If we can both get better in the future I would love to be part of his life and who knows maybe start dating again.

I feel awful for constantly taking my stress and anger out on Bernard for things that he had nothing to do with and could do nothing to control.At the end of the day they were my problems to face and mine alone. I was slowly destroying the person that I loved most in the whole world. He made me happy, he made me feel loved and safe. And I repaid him by torturing him and making him feel shit and depressed.

Its only now after all this time that I've started to realise how much i have damaged Bernard through my actions and not being the supportive girlfriend or even friend that i should have been and now he cant deal with my rubbish anymore. And you know what? I don't blame him. I wouldn't want to be treated the way I have been treating him, and all the time I was letting others think he was an ass. I stuck up for him and told everyone that that wasn't the case and that this was for the best but I never admitted to the ways I was torturing him. This is my opportunity.

And now its time to realise that I need more than ever to be that better person that i used to be. When you hit rock bottom you can only work your way back up. Now its time to drag my ass kicking and screaming out of my pit of self pity and despair. I'm going to speak with my therapist and go through why I keep torturing the people I love most. I'm going to rebuild my life. I'm going to be that happy Sparkle Princess that Bernard first met. As much as I'm sure people have heard me say this before this is it. This is the moment that I realise what a BITCH I have been and that I need to change. Not for Bernard but for me. If i hadn't been the narcissistic miserable cow that I am then we wouldn't have been in this situation.

So this is part of my journey. Every few days, maybe once a week I'm going to tell my story and the journey that I'm going through. I'm going to make it. I'm going to be that awesome person I once was.

Wish me luck


DSP