Tuesday, 30 April 2013
Monday, 29 April 2013
After A&E
So after A&E I ended up being taken to stay with a friends relatives for a week in what felt like pure isolation. Don't get me wrong I rested well and ate well but to be separated from Bernard like this was pure hell. I felt like my heart had been ripped out and shredded.
It was whilst I was there that Bernard did what he thought was best and broke up with me. He said that he was making me poorly and that I wouldn't get better whilst I was around him. He said take some time and we will try to get things back on track. Instead of doing this I tried to fight against it and stop Bernard from breaking up with me. This resulted in numerous sobbing fits and me feeling lower than ever. I felt like everything I had been through and struggled through to make our relationship work was for nothing. I never took the time to realise the damage I was causing to both myself and Bernard.
My friends have been amazing and so supportive, particularily Luscious and Saucy, without them I wouldnt still be here and still be fighting this battle
I then moved back to my mums house in a city 70 miles from where Bernard was. I've been here for 7 weeks now. Every week I seemed to get riled up and call Bernard. I always ended up crying and Bernard being upset with me because I was constantly making him feel like an awful person. It always ended up the same. Me sobbing down the phone and Bernard feeling shittier than before. All because I couldn't accept that the way I was acting and behaving was driving us further and further apart. I was angry that we couldn't be the people that we were when we first met. But we aren't those people anymore. We are miserable former shells of ourselves.
It's now resulted in me moving into my own flat back in Bernard's city which I will do this week. We are also having to not speak to each other for at least a month. It will be hard but it will be for the best I guess. I want us both to be the happy bubbly people that we were when we first met. If we can both get better in the future I would love to be part of his life and who knows maybe start dating again.
I feel awful for constantly taking my stress and anger out on Bernard for things that he had nothing to do with and could do nothing to control.At the end of the day they were my problems to face and mine alone. I was slowly destroying the person that I loved most in the whole world. He made me happy, he made me feel loved and safe. And I repaid him by torturing him and making him feel shit and depressed.
Its only now after all this time that I've started to realise how much i have damaged Bernard through my actions and not being the supportive girlfriend or even friend that i should have been and now he cant deal with my rubbish anymore. And you know what? I don't blame him. I wouldn't want to be treated the way I have been treating him, and all the time I was letting others think he was an ass. I stuck up for him and told everyone that that wasn't the case and that this was for the best but I never admitted to the ways I was torturing him. This is my opportunity.
And now its time to realise that I need more than ever to be that better person that i used to be. When you hit rock bottom you can only work your way back up. Now its time to drag my ass kicking and screaming out of my pit of self pity and despair. I'm going to speak with my therapist and go through why I keep torturing the people I love most. I'm going to rebuild my life. I'm going to be that happy Sparkle Princess that Bernard first met. As much as I'm sure people have heard me say this before this is it. This is the moment that I realise what a BITCH I have been and that I need to change. Not for Bernard but for me. If i hadn't been the narcissistic miserable cow that I am then we wouldn't have been in this situation.
So this is part of my journey. Every few days, maybe once a week I'm going to tell my story and the journey that I'm going through. I'm going to make it. I'm going to be that awesome person I once was.
Wish me luck
DSP
It was whilst I was there that Bernard did what he thought was best and broke up with me. He said that he was making me poorly and that I wouldn't get better whilst I was around him. He said take some time and we will try to get things back on track. Instead of doing this I tried to fight against it and stop Bernard from breaking up with me. This resulted in numerous sobbing fits and me feeling lower than ever. I felt like everything I had been through and struggled through to make our relationship work was for nothing. I never took the time to realise the damage I was causing to both myself and Bernard.
My friends have been amazing and so supportive, particularily Luscious and Saucy, without them I wouldnt still be here and still be fighting this battle
I then moved back to my mums house in a city 70 miles from where Bernard was. I've been here for 7 weeks now. Every week I seemed to get riled up and call Bernard. I always ended up crying and Bernard being upset with me because I was constantly making him feel like an awful person. It always ended up the same. Me sobbing down the phone and Bernard feeling shittier than before. All because I couldn't accept that the way I was acting and behaving was driving us further and further apart. I was angry that we couldn't be the people that we were when we first met. But we aren't those people anymore. We are miserable former shells of ourselves.
It's now resulted in me moving into my own flat back in Bernard's city which I will do this week. We are also having to not speak to each other for at least a month. It will be hard but it will be for the best I guess. I want us both to be the happy bubbly people that we were when we first met. If we can both get better in the future I would love to be part of his life and who knows maybe start dating again.
I feel awful for constantly taking my stress and anger out on Bernard for things that he had nothing to do with and could do nothing to control.At the end of the day they were my problems to face and mine alone. I was slowly destroying the person that I loved most in the whole world. He made me happy, he made me feel loved and safe. And I repaid him by torturing him and making him feel shit and depressed.
Its only now after all this time that I've started to realise how much i have damaged Bernard through my actions and not being the supportive girlfriend or even friend that i should have been and now he cant deal with my rubbish anymore. And you know what? I don't blame him. I wouldn't want to be treated the way I have been treating him, and all the time I was letting others think he was an ass. I stuck up for him and told everyone that that wasn't the case and that this was for the best but I never admitted to the ways I was torturing him. This is my opportunity.
And now its time to realise that I need more than ever to be that better person that i used to be. When you hit rock bottom you can only work your way back up. Now its time to drag my ass kicking and screaming out of my pit of self pity and despair. I'm going to speak with my therapist and go through why I keep torturing the people I love most. I'm going to rebuild my life. I'm going to be that happy Sparkle Princess that Bernard first met. As much as I'm sure people have heard me say this before this is it. This is the moment that I realise what a BITCH I have been and that I need to change. Not for Bernard but for me. If i hadn't been the narcissistic miserable cow that I am then we wouldn't have been in this situation.
So this is part of my journey. Every few days, maybe once a week I'm going to tell my story and the journey that I'm going through. I'm going to make it. I'm going to be that awesome person I once was.
Wish me luck
DSP
first post
So I guess you want to know how I became a Depressed Sparkle Princess. I'm not going to use any real names to save the dignity of the people involved. That and I'm trying to work on being a better person for those people around me.
So a while ago I became depressed. There was a lot of conflict in my life through family rubbish, work stress and the break down of a long term relationship. I started to become my own worst enemy.
So lets start from the beginning. My parents divorced when I was 6, and my dad pretty much disappeared from my life when i was 10. He then decided to come back into my life when I was 25 and tell my that he was dying. This then caused a lot of conflict between myself and my brother. This then led to me becoming even more alienated than I already was from my somewhat dwindling family.
Then there was the bitching and fighting at work which I will admit I was part of to start with. You will be glad to know that I have renounced myself from being a bitch and have decided to stay clear from the bitching. That just made me feel shitty at work to the point where i started to isolate myself to avoid all the crap.
Then I realised that my relationship wasn't what i wanted. As much as Clive was a lovely guy and did as much as he could to make me happy he just couldn't. He didn't understand who i was or and couldn't make me happy so we split. I had given him chance after chance to work through the problems we faced but things never changed.
I had already met a guy, Bernard, that I had fallen madly for who had been through similar problems to myself. He seemed to understand me and for the first time in my life I let down my guard and stopped hiding who I was and it felt amazing. We made each other laugh and I fell madly in love with him and we were happy. I was easily the happiest I have ever been. I woke up feeling happy and that I had a purpose in life.
We ended up moving in together very quickly. At the time we were both aware that it wasn't the most ideal situation as we hadn't been dating for 3 months before we moved in together. It was convenient for both of us financially and realistically. For a while things were fantastic even though we both faced challenges due to Bernard working through an agency who provided rubbish shifts or no shifts, to me facing stress at work and increased family stress.
As I got more depressed so did Bernard, he was given full time employment at a job he hated, his beloved dog Gertrude had died and coming home to misery bum me was obviously making it worse.
However instead of confronting my problems i took it out on Bernard. A lot. Any time I was stressed at work I came home and yelled at him. I became clingy possessive and jealous which was always something I had never been. I was the sassy independent sparkly bubbly chatterbox who was loud and didn't take any crap. Then I just became a shell of myself a drone. A walking zombie.
Sometimes I wasn't even that stressed but I just seemed to create conflict all the time. I must have looked like I had gone crazy, crying all the time and shouting at stupid stuff. I was tearing Bernard apart. I was then making myself feel worse because our once happy what seemed like a fairytale relationship was breaking down.
After two months of arguing and two self harm events I tried to kill myself. I took an attempted overdose and ended up in A&E.
So a while ago I became depressed. There was a lot of conflict in my life through family rubbish, work stress and the break down of a long term relationship. I started to become my own worst enemy.
So lets start from the beginning. My parents divorced when I was 6, and my dad pretty much disappeared from my life when i was 10. He then decided to come back into my life when I was 25 and tell my that he was dying. This then caused a lot of conflict between myself and my brother. This then led to me becoming even more alienated than I already was from my somewhat dwindling family.
Then there was the bitching and fighting at work which I will admit I was part of to start with. You will be glad to know that I have renounced myself from being a bitch and have decided to stay clear from the bitching. That just made me feel shitty at work to the point where i started to isolate myself to avoid all the crap.
Then I realised that my relationship wasn't what i wanted. As much as Clive was a lovely guy and did as much as he could to make me happy he just couldn't. He didn't understand who i was or and couldn't make me happy so we split. I had given him chance after chance to work through the problems we faced but things never changed.
I had already met a guy, Bernard, that I had fallen madly for who had been through similar problems to myself. He seemed to understand me and for the first time in my life I let down my guard and stopped hiding who I was and it felt amazing. We made each other laugh and I fell madly in love with him and we were happy. I was easily the happiest I have ever been. I woke up feeling happy and that I had a purpose in life.
We ended up moving in together very quickly. At the time we were both aware that it wasn't the most ideal situation as we hadn't been dating for 3 months before we moved in together. It was convenient for both of us financially and realistically. For a while things were fantastic even though we both faced challenges due to Bernard working through an agency who provided rubbish shifts or no shifts, to me facing stress at work and increased family stress.
As I got more depressed so did Bernard, he was given full time employment at a job he hated, his beloved dog Gertrude had died and coming home to misery bum me was obviously making it worse.
However instead of confronting my problems i took it out on Bernard. A lot. Any time I was stressed at work I came home and yelled at him. I became clingy possessive and jealous which was always something I had never been. I was the sassy independent sparkly bubbly chatterbox who was loud and didn't take any crap. Then I just became a shell of myself a drone. A walking zombie.
Sometimes I wasn't even that stressed but I just seemed to create conflict all the time. I must have looked like I had gone crazy, crying all the time and shouting at stupid stuff. I was tearing Bernard apart. I was then making myself feel worse because our once happy what seemed like a fairytale relationship was breaking down.
After two months of arguing and two self harm events I tried to kill myself. I took an attempted overdose and ended up in A&E.
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