A busy week

So far this week i've marked 120 exam papers, made some crafty items, been sick 6 times and been to a summer fayre. Oh as well as a night out full of giggles!

So its that time of the year when I start my second job as an examiner extradonaire! you get three weeks to mark 300 exam papers! It can be quite stressful if you dont organise yourself properly! But im pretty good at being organised so its not too much of a problem.

Myself and a work colleague have decided to try and make as many of our christmas presents as we can, we have lots of ideas for the gifts and have started buying the items that we need to make them- hence the trip to a local charities summer fayre where we got some bargains! I will upload pics later on, I dont want to give people a present they have already seen!  It was a lovely day out at the fayre, only to be ruined by the looming piles of exam papers which dragged me home!

So yesterday morning I had my breakfast and was sick, but i thought nothing of it. I went out last night with some gorgeous girlies and we had lots of giggles over our apparent celeb look alike identities that we were given! I'm Cheryl Cole, not gonna complain although Im not convinced I do look like her even if its not the first time ive heard it!  I was sick again this morning even though I didnt drink that much last night- I couldnt even keep water down! I reckon my stomach is just having a hissy fit but I will be fine!!

I've got another busy week this week so probably wont update until next weekend! Im feeling happy at the minute!  :)

SP

Honesty

One of my motto's has always been that honesty is the best policy. Even if you dont agree with the premise that screaming the problem/truth in someones face is the best way to be honest with someone, I always think that you should be honest with someone, or at least as much as possible.

I understand that at times its important to not hurt anyones feelings or that a secret should be kept to protect a person, but when a person is directly involved with a situation and witholding information could lead to greater pain or stress later on then surely the kindest thing to do would be to sit down and have an honest chat with them?

At the minute I feel that there are things in my life that seem to be shrouded in mystery.

When did that person decide it was acceptable to take advantage of me fully knowing the repercussions?  Especially when I'm in the place I currently am? Did that person even realise that they had already made a decision about me and my life but then continue with there actions?

Then again maybe I'm just reading too much into every situation? Surely thats when it becomes important to be honest!

At the minute I would say that I feel ok in life but I dont feel very positive about myself. I feel like I must be a really bad person. Am I horrid? I feel like I manage to cause pain to everyone in my life and manage to drive everyone away. I feel worse than pond scum. I feel like nothing I do will make things better. I must be truly awful to drive away the people that care about me most. And that I care about most. Am i nasty person? I sure as hell feel it. I feel like I must have pure evil running through me and as much as I try to do right I cant win. Saucy and my mum keep telling me I'm not awful/nasty etc. Maybe I've just not pushed them away yet. I used to have someone in my life that believed in me and made me feel good about myself and now thats gone I feel empty. I cant get them back. Maybe I'm just getting used to being single. Whatever it is I just want to feel less hate and guilt for myself.

I have set up my just giving webpage for donations, if you would like to sponsor me in doing a 15,000ft tandem skydive please message/comment and I will send you the link

A not so sparkly princess

Sleepy sunday

Today has been a bit strange, getting woke up at silly times to sort out someones lost phone. Blah.

Have you ever had that feeling that your head is being blagged? Like you are being told something because it makes another person feel better? I'm probably doing what i normally do and just overthinking things. I'm not sure if thats actually the case or whether i just need to stop marking exam papers and have a snack and a nap!

I'm going to have a nap and relax, ignore everything else and have a nice bath, first hair wash since i had it all cut off!

SP

One week on

So it's been a week since my last post.
I couldn't feel further from the upset person I was last week.
It's like I woke up on sunday morning and bang the pain was gone. No longer do I hate myself. No longer do I feel as guilty as I did.
A weight has literally been lifted from my shoulders. I feel taller even though I'm only 5'3! My head is held high and there is no shadow in my sky. It's been a great week where even stresses at work haven't got me down, I wont be dragged down with negativity, I feel like i'm nearly back to my mouth brash northern self. It feels GREAT!!

It's made me think more and more about what made me so depressed and negative. Yes there were things that got me down, but rather than tackling the problems I hid away, I'm not going to do that anymore. 

I've started thinking that maybe the antidepressants I was taking made me so much worse. I never felt suicidal before I took them, yet I did when I took them. They certainly altered how I was feeling, my mood was set so much lower than before albeit in a stable condition.

I saw my therapist today at my mums request and because I felt down last week whilst coming off my tablets. He was confused as to why I was there, as he said I had so much energy and positivity!

Today I went to a WI meeting and met a local author who really inspired me to continue writing my blog, on a happier note!

Maybe this is just the start of the rest of my life? The part where I realise how ridiculous to have wanted to end my life. Life is never guaranteed to be happy or easy. But i'm ready for the challenge.

So on Luscious head be it for the idea- I'm going to do a tandem skydive for the charity Mind.
I will post the sponsorship link when all the details are confirmed.
Maybe I have lost my mind again and thats why I am doing it! Who knows!

SP

Self destruct

This week has been an emotional rollercoaster. There hasn't been a day this week where I haven't ended up crying either on the way home from work or in work itself.

I know that coming off my antidepressants wont have helped, but the medicine I was given to combat my allergic reations has the particular fun side effect of causing people to be depressed. Just what I need!!! Oh as well as causing my rash to get initially worse and then bruising from literally nothing so I look like I've been beat up. What more do you need to build up your self confidence.

I have had an awful time at work and my personal life seems to have nose dived into the deep end into a black abyss at the minute.

Bernard no longer wants to be in my life, and you know what that's ok. I caused him a lot of pain and sorrow and I don't think I will ever get over how much I hurt him. I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. It doesn't seem to mean anything but I am truly sorry for the way things have turned out and what I have done. I know that actions speak louder than words but at the minute my head is in such a state that all I seem to think about is the misery in my life. I cant seem to focus on the good things in my life and seem to just focus on how alone I feel.

Im in a city where I know very few people and as much as I'm trying to get out and about and meet new people, it's difficult. I've read the self help books, I've tried to pamper myself and everything else that comes along with attempting to make yourself feel better but it just doesnt seem to be working.

I just feel like things wont get better for a long time and the way I feel at the minute I will admit it. I'm just not strong enough to cope with it. I drove into work yesterday and wondered how easy would it be to just drive off a cliff and have it all over with. I realise that thinking like this is only temporary and I will overcome this but it hurts so much. More than a mental pain but a truly gut wrenching heartbreaking pain.

I feel like i've let everyone and myself down and I feel that i'm becoming more and more of a burden on my friends and family, and I hate myself for that. I wish I could just fix one problem and not have ten more appear in its place. I know I wont feel like this forever but I just want it to end or just become that bit easier.

I just wish that someone would hold me and tell me that everything will get better and I will be ok. I feel weak for admitting that but that's how I feel. I feel so messed up and seperate from who I used to be. I feel like screaming my head off in the hope that it will realise all the pain and sorrow from my life but I know it wont.


I just don't know what to do anymore.

Hopefully my next post will be much more positive and I hope I can feel even a tiny bit better.  So so much.

DSP

Allergic reaction fun

So the last two days have been a bit crazy! Last night my lower lip started swelling and my throat started to get tight. I could still breathe but was a bit wheezy and coughing badly.

I rang the new nhs helpline who were lovely and wanted to send an ambulance for me!! I didnt want them to as I thought I would be ok to drive there. As my throat got tighter whilst on the phone the lady decided I had to have an ambulance!! Two came!!! After some tests and my breathing improving they decided that if I took some antihistamines that I should be ok.

So after filling in what seemed like an endless amount of paperwork the paramedics left, not until one teased me about having no friends and the other sneezing as she was allergic to my cat.

I went to the pharmacist who said I needed to see my GP as he thought I had tonsillitus! Jeez!! When I got home I took the anti histamines and then went to sleep.

I then woke up this morning with the whole if my face swollen, my mouth, neck and throat, cheeks- you name it, it was swollen.

I took a photo and sent it to my mum who said I lookes like I had been in a car crash! So at 5am I drove to A&E. I was seen really quickly and was given some steroids to bring down the swellin and told that it would be the GP to deal with the reaction in future unless I couldnt breathe.

I managed to get an appointment with the GP who worked out that I was having a reaction to my antidepressants! He said I needed to stop taking them straight away so I'm now going cold turkey!

I expect that over the next week or so I will start having withdrawl symptoms which means headaches, sickness etc!!

What fun to look forward to!  I expect that I will feel crappy for a few days but I'm sure I will be ok after working through it!

SP

Like,want &need

I was going to post this yesterday but i fell asleep at half six on the sofa, I woke up at half 8 and ended up going to bed!

Yesterday was my first hike with a walking group, 9 miles in the Dales. I met lots of lovely people, got some fresh air and even caught a bit of sun!

There were times on the walk when it wasnt possible to chat so I had some time to think things over. I've realised that the things I used to think i needed to live a happy existence aren't actually that necessary.

Ask someone what they need in life. Im sure they will tell you about having lots of money, good job, a partner and lots of other material things.

I dont know whether i'm lucky that I already have a good job but I dont think that all those things are necessary. After all we were brought into this world with nothing and will one day leave it the same way. So on the walk I had chance to evaluate what I wanted/needed and would like to live a happy life. I'm not going to bore you with the details but I've come to realise the difference between the three as well as that in the past I have taken a lot for granted.

Now is the time where I start enjoying the little things in life. The freedoms I have because I live in a country where I can walk down the street and not have to fear for my life. A life where I am able to make decisions that will affect my life  hopefully in a more positive manner.

Over the last few weeks I have had some ups and downs. I think that by going through challenges you are forced to evaluate what is important and who you are. I've managed to get through things that I never thought I would be able to cope with, and I've come out all the better for it. There were things I thought I needed to exist. I was wrong I would only like them in my life. I could live without them. It would be nice to have and sad to lose but hey ho that's how life is!

SP

Time for a new career? purrrr!

So i've had a pretty fab week this week. Well other than losing my voice! squeak!! Other than being tired and poorly i've been pretty happy this week, and have been focusing on the future.

I've made plans for getting out there and making new friends by taking part in new activities- nothing untoward I may add!  Ha!!

And my voice is coming back! its at that sexy husky point at the minute. Anyone know how I can get a job on those chatlines?? hee hee !

keep on smiling

SP

poorly sick

What an exciting first few days back at work! so within a few hours of starting monday morning I had an allergic reaction causing my skin to feel like it needed to be scratched, coming up in lumps all over my body & my top lip swelling up to resemble a cross between pete burns and leslie ash's unfortunate looking love child! Below is a pic of the start of my lip swelling- it got a lot worse but I forgot to take a photo!

I have had a sore throat for a few days now but by Tuesday morning my voice was pretty much gone. I went into work but I think it made it worse. This morning I woke up with a voice as loud as an ants fart so didnt go into work. The doctor gave me a lovely spray which works quite well even if its awful to administer! I cant have any antibiotics as not only am I allergic to penicillin, but they would react with my antidepressants! Life just seems to be getting better and better!

The doctor also said she would refer me to the hospital for tests to see what I had a reaction to as they still dont know! Jeeez!!

so half term.....

I have had a very strange week filled with horrendous lows where I seriously considered harming myself, at one point strongly considering ending it all. I am very lucky that I have friends and family who dont mind me calling them at ridiculous times during the night. I wonder how some people cope without those support networks that im lucky enough to have. My support network has recently become a lot smaller than I would like after being told that I'm not allowed to associate with them by my ex.

I can understand why he would be mad with me but not to the extent he is.  Maybe a complete veto on communication is what we both need to get better. So I guess thats one positive to take from this horrendous situation

On the positive side I've started to widen my own social network by joining local clubs to get out and meet like minded people. I've also become more organised as well as working hard on school stuff this half term.
Also my car failed its MOT. Yaaay!