Tiffman can

I've currently got a song running through my head at the minute that was drunkenly created by my uni pals on a bizarre night out in Blackpool. It's called Tiffman. And its about how awesome i am. At least from the lyrics i can remember it does......

Im in a much better mood. It's like someone screamed at me and told me to stop being a sad sack. No one else can make me feel better/good thats my job.

Also i made a dress today. The pic is crappy cos my mirror is filthy! Ooops!

So im sleeping better, actually eating (tempted for mcds after training tonight though!!!) and actually wanting to do something hence making the dress! :)

SP

Fuck off

I've spent the last few days still fed up. I'm annoyed at myself for letting one thing affect how i felt so much.

Why is it that once you get something in your head it just wont seem to go away. Feelings of guilt, resentment and sadness
I'm sick to death of feeling crap. I never did anything to deserve this. I've always tried to be a nice person even to people that haven't been nice to me.
So why is it I cant just let go? Is it my need to try and make people happy? My need to make people like me?
Whatever it is I really want it to just fuck off and leave me alone. Its causing me to be physically ill, i had to go to the doctors this morning for antibiotics. I've lost 4lbs in as many days. I cant sleep and I cant eat. Just get off my back. So tomorrow I'm going to look at a new kind of therapy to try and sort this out once and for all. Im sick of this ruling my life.
An angry SP

Frustration

Im having a shitty week. I've been getting out and about and keeping myself busy, but i'm at the stage where its time to decide whether or not i should give up on fighting what could be a losing battle. Thing is I dont want to give up. I've still got lots to offer and i'm trying to believe that im a good person :/.

I want to keep fighting. I want to reach my goal. I really think it will be worth it but only time will tell. So for now a few deep breaths, bubble bath and newly painted nails will have to do.
Onwards and upwards.

SP

Birthday blues

So today is my birthday. Is that cheers and hoorays and laughter I hear? Probably not.

I went to Haworth today which has always been a favourite place for me to visit. On the way there I got lost twice, cried and tried to smash my phone. All before dinner time. My mum insisted on trying to make jokes that just weren't funny. Which made me feel so much worse :(

Then my mum wanted me to get a tarot reading. I wasnt happy about getting one as last time I had one they said nothing but negative things. That was before my suicide attempt and the ending of my relationship with Bernard.

She asked me to concentrate on an area of my life that I needed help with. At this point tears just streamed down my face. She didnt ask me to explain just to pick out some cards. The first two cards were about my life and she told me how i needed to stop being so negative about myself and that I did have lots of things to be happy about in my life. The things she said were so spot on and I just couldnt believe it. I pretty much cried for the next half an hour as the cards told of how for the last four months I had been in pain and sad but how I was coming to the end of that cycle. She said things would be a lot clearer and said that although my reading wasnt completely positive, it was no where near as bad as the one I had had in November. I had my reading taped so that I could listen to it later on too. I'm not going to share anymore because I dont think it would be fair to do that.

I'm not usually a person who just believes in things like this but I feel I had reason to have some hope for the future.

A sad, slightly older SP

Countdown is on

So only a few days left at work til the holidays begin! Yaaay! I've had a pretty good week, I managed to finish my exam papers early, and even sort my head out a bit!

I went to BMF on saturday courtesy of my groupon voucher and can honestly say it must be working because I feel like i've been beat up! I'm going to go on weds too and make the most of it and try and get more toned up! It was pretty horrid doing it but i think that is down to the heat as well as being unfit! Eep!

I also managed to catch up with an old friend at the weekend which was weird but nice. We met up with Saucy and spent the day in the park enjoying the sun.

Well things seem to be looking good at the minute, i'm happy with where i am and being on my own so lats hope the smiles continue!

SP
Xx

Another busy week

So I have still been beavering away marking exams as well as lots of meetings after work, one involving a nice 12 hour stint at work. SOUL DESTROYING!!
I feel like ive had a pretty reasonable week, I've been to see two plays, got sun burnt, been to the beach and had the occasional stress out! Oh and hit the gym at 8am on a saturday! I've signed up to BMF with a friend too but am a bit scared that they will destroy me! Ha!
I've realised i miss having Bernard in my life but quite frankly thats tough shit!!
I have also managed to work out what i think was the cause of my depression as well as what i need to do to get away from it.
As for me being sick, thats not got much better, i have literally had to run off mid post to be sick. Joy. I know im being sick because of stress so hopefully that will eventually pass :/

SP x